It's time to say goodbye Block out the sun and pack up the sky

[Reese Witherspoon looking Parisian chic in a beret and Wayfarers, classic cool]

Today has been so emotionally draining that I decided to do an entirely frivolous post, some celebrity inspiration. I've been collecting these photos for weeks now, but was just waiting for an excuse to get them off my desktop. After my grandmother's funeral this afternoon, a short, but very somber affair, we all went back to the hotel for a luncheon, a nice and simple sendoff where the family got to reminisce and catch up. There were old photos passed around, stories told, and plenty of hugs and awkward kisses. It was amazing to see everyone in the same room (5 of my mother's cousins came, 1 distant relative, and my two uncles plus their families), but we all agreed next time should be for a much better reason (there have been talks of a family reunion this summer though).

Despite how I know my Grandma would've loved and appreciated the respectful event it was so emotionally overwhelming (I broke down crying for the third time this week in the cemetery, and I never cry, so it was particularly wrenching) and socially overwhelming with all of my crazy family competing for attention over who had the best memory that I nearly shutdown later in the afternoon. The day would just not end. I know the sooner I leave New Jersey, the better. I just need to go home, recollect, and try to resume my life which is impossible to do when stuck in the Hilton trying to grieve and entertain people at the same time. There is no way to ever leave or escape here, its like the state is the land of perpetual mourning. Sometimes its good to have that safezone, but eventually it grows counterproductive. I know that staying here cannot help me anymore. Its nice though that the funeral was not in my home state, for I am somewhat able to compartmentalize this horrible part of my life once I land in Minneapolis. True, the house will be missing her presence, but there will be so many other aspects of my life to think about- my hometown, my friends, and my new puppy, that I will actually have the means to move on. And I think my Grandma would've been pleased that we all fondly remembered her, but would want us to continue living so she could still brag about us wherever she is now. ;)
[Sienna Miller in an understated glam dress that she just radiates in]
[Stella McCartney in a fabulous pair of wideleg trousers, adding comfort to business casual]

[Chloe Sevingy in a simple ensemble so eternally chic that its genius]
[Kirsten Dunst popping out some purple to an otherwise all-black ensemble]
[Kiki in rockin' sunnies]
[Michelle Williams doing geek chic with Matilda. Also, I'd kill for that coat and those clogs]
[Rachel McAdams dressing up the typical plaid]

[Mandy Moore looks unique and chic in this fun plaid, the perfect blend of boho and sophistication]
[Lily Allen in a crazy cool harlequin skirt]

song of the day: "The Seer's Tower" by Sufjun Stevens (he is perfectly somber in the best way possible)

Running on Empty

People often fear midnight phonecalls, for me though, I grow uneasy when I hear my cell ringing in the morning. I received my second devastating call of the semester yesterday morning. The first time was when my dad had to inform me that my 13 year old dog, Noah, died. Hence the new adorable puppy, Gatsby, I get to meet on Friday. The second was much more life changing, my 84 year old Grandma passed away unexpectedly on Tuesday morning.

She was not your standard grandmother. She had lived (strange how we must start using past tense) with my family since I was three. So even though my cousins viewed her more as the typical grandma who dotes upon her adorable grandchildren, she and I had an odd almost sibling-esque relationship. Despite her daily complaints, it turned out she loved me and bragged about me more than I ever could have known.

I find myself in maelstrom of emotions right now. The past two days have been surreal. I had to do the standard business talks/emails with professors about missing class (most were incredibly understanding and due to the upcoming break I'm not missing much anyway), somehow turning her death into nothing more than assuring I get an excused absence in class. I had to talk to my friends, who have been supportive either by offering me any help I would need or by offering their condolences, but naturally changing the subject to something that will take my mind off of the confusion and chaos (I must admit I prefer getting my mind off of things and greatly appreciate gossiping about sailing with Hilly when she sweetly called me yesterday or swapping English stories with Sasha & Justin over dinner last night. Turns out, I have found myself some amazing new friends who are already there for me when times get tough) . And I have talked to my family. My mother is devastated. This was her mother and since her death was so abrupt my mother feels completely at loss that she never got to say goodbye. Needing to communicate with these people, hearing their reactions to the news and then waiting for my reaction, has left me absurdly overwhelmed and more mixed up than ever about my true feelings.


I am currently in New Jersey (where her whole family is buried) for the funeral tomorrow. Sadly, family only gets together during somber events it seems. Tomorrow will be overstuffed with relatives I haven't seen in years and awkward nostalgia. Dinner with my Uncle Neal tonight was already uncomfortable. My mother is the youngest of the three siblings and tonight's dinner was the first time she ever seemed like their "kid sister." It's so disheartening to see your own mother so vulnerable, it may be one of the hardest things about my Grandma's death actually. Luckily my dad is a rock, being supportive, yet practical at all times. Like me, he feels like somewhat of an outsider at this event. We're both hearing stories about my Grandma that make me question whether my Uncle is talking about the same woman we knew. His fond childhood memories and those of the few times she visited him throughout the years are drastically different than our day to day life with her. Hearing so many sides of the story is only more mindboggling. Everyone grieves in different ways, but I cannot tell if needing my dad's shoulder to cry on is truly out of grief or being overwhelmed by it all.

But I will return home on Friday and stay for the next week during the holiday break, to a house with a new dog and no grandmother. In some senses the semi-empty house will still be better than being in NJ, a state I haven't been to in 12 years with my crazy family, essentially a foreign land only exacerbating the loss. At least I get to return home and decompress/cope for over a week, see old friends, and meet the new puppy who will certainly perk up the household, instead of immediately bouncing back into school. I think once I get through the funeral, things will start to revert back to normal, or as normal as they can be after this loss.

I know this may seem overly personal to share on a blog, but you guys have only offered your undying support before so I feel comfortable being this direct. Besides writing it down is only making me feel better. Also, keeping busy makes me feel better too, so expect plenty of posts in the next week or so. Thank you for understanding.

[Photos by the amazing Tyler E. Nixone]

The Turning Point

[STATS: cardi: GAP blouse: J.Crew beret: Urban Outfitters scarf: vintage jeans: GAP flats: J. Crew]

I apologize for the lack of posting. I was rather busy this weekend figuring out who my real friends are.

The weekend itself was a very mixed bag. Friday night was a fiasco if there ever was one. Saturday all my hopes and desires were fulfilled finally after weeks of anxiety prior to it. And Sunday mixed the two worlds, both of which are livable, but one is infinitely better than the other.

On Friday my main group of friends sat silently in my room pretending to have fun at a triple birthday party for my roommate and two of my other friends. It was meant to be a fancy dress cocktail party, but the party ended up being as stifled and uncomfortable as the bowties the boys had to wear. We looked across the room at each other realizing that we had nothing in common and nothing to say. Our relationships have always been built on jokes and we've made all of those jokes already. It was the first event where we were "all together again" and we realized why we hadn't gotten together more often. It felt contrived and awkward, like nostalgia for last year, a time we can never get back and I don't see why we would want to. We're all different people with different interests, so its impossible we can all love each other. By my guess, most of us only really like four people out of the group of ten, so inevitably you will be bonding with six people you wish could've naturally drifted away from you, instead you're not allowed to move on but forced to revel in the past. I think many of us realize this social setup isn't fulfilling, we need more, we deserve more. And many of us have gone outside the group to get it, but there are still the few kids pretending this is not our breaking point and holding on to something that no longer exists.

It culminated in a major fight with my roommate. All those weeks passive aggressively not saying anything just blew up in the pettiest incident. Ironically, we had both in trying not to burden our friends with our woes and then we exposed ourselves in front of them. I apologized to my friends for subjecting them to that, saying I was an immature idiot, but they still accepted the apology and stood by me, inviting me over to their room for an episode of "30 Rock" to cool down the tensions. My roomy and I hashed it out the next morning, some of what she had to say was utter bullshit, some of it reasonable. Basically, we have finally both acknowledged that this does not work, we will deal with it, but at least no one is pretending its perfect.

After the night before of holding on to a balloon that had already deflated, I went out with a new group, one with more energy and potential than I've ever felt before at college. Sasha's friend Carolyn (who loves Minnesota oddly enough so we got along) was throwing a Thanskgiving dinner party where everyone brought something to eat and something different compared to my current group of friends. Jeffrey studied abroad in Tanzania and speaks Swahili. Julie is the former Mormon from Idaho who now fronts a punkrock band. Ekiria works in the English office as well and was swapping professor gossip with me. Alex dresses like a modern day Oscar Wilde in a floral dress shirt with a paisley tie. Zach laughed at all of my jokes. Robert wants to be a cartographer. And Elise, his girlfriend, grew up in the same town my parents went to college in. I loved all of them and according to Sasha the next morning, they loved me too. They were fun and funny, interesting and interested in what I had to say, and respectful of our differences. Sasha had been talking about me meeting them for weeks now and it went even better than we both expected, I found myself invited to 5 other events after this one. It's nice to feel welcomed, wanted, and involved.

The only thing I will have to be cautious about is their faster lifestyle. This is one time I am glad I haven't turned 21 quite yet because some of their crazier adventures I can avoid based on my underage status. This group isn't afraid to go out and go wild, experiment with everything (based on stories they were telling), and make it all a weekly habit. I have feeling these kids are just too smart for their own good and get a little bored and experiment, but as long as they respect what I don't do,I will respect their habits. So far there has been no peer pressure even though at one point we could've been in an awkward situation. I think it helps they're a bit older and more mature than my age group, they know there is no point in arguing over different beliefs. I think in the long run it will be fine, I'll just be a little wary at first.

I've finally learned you can never find the perfect group of people. They don't exist. But you make due with what you have. And considering I had 10x more fun than I have in the past month on Saturday night, I think I'm finding a better group.






song of the day: "Smash Your Head" by Girl Talk (thank you to Mary for finding this awesome song with "Tiny Dancer" remixed into it!!! Dunno how they pulled it off, but its amazing!)

Greatest Hits Collection

Time for the second installment of Bloggers of the Week, a truly fun new feature on Plain Jayne. In case you missed the inaugural post, I feature a few lovely ladies each week who have been crafting the best outfits as of late to inspire us all and give recognition to amazing style we have here. So without further ado...

[Delightfully Tacky is certainly the blogger of the moment. She was just featured on Rebecca's blog, proving to be one of the more fun interviewees to date with an incredibly fun sense of style too. I particularly love her acid pop colors here, its like warped 1950s housewife.]
[Lexie always has such classic outfit pairings, so deceptively simple you wonder why you didn't think of that. But that's the genius of her style, less is more. She experimented with an entirely thrifted outfit here to fantastic results. She reminds me of a feisty 1940s journalist here]
[I know, I said I would keep a decent variety of bloggers during this feature, but Sally Jane is always genius and always inspires me. I really love how she broke up the vintage plaid skirt with more modern elements like brown boots, a denim jacket, and a beret. This is how vintage is meant to be worn.]
[Hannah usually keeps it ladylike, but I love this French gamine look on her. The look is very masculine, but the sequined beret catches your eye and gives it a feminine touch.]
[Dee really makes flannel her own by turning a basic outfit of plaid and denim cutoffs into high fashion with gorgeous patterned tights and fashionista boots]

song of the day: "Raindrops" by Grand Hallway (perfect moody music for the moody weather)

"The Swell Season is the best season!"

It's rare when you go to a concert and look at the troubadours on stage imagining them at your Thanksgiving dinner or exchanging Christmas gifts with them. But there is something so honest, raw, and alive about Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova of the Swell Season (aka the couple from the amazing film "Once") that you want to hug them and invite them home for a meal. You wish you could trade in your family for them, just so you could hear Glen's stories over the clinking of silverware at dinner or you and Marketa and you could giggle and discuss your favorite books.

Glen has an astounding amount of energy and a love of life for a man who has been performing for 20 years now. After so many years of being one of Ireland's best kept secrets (read unrecognized and unappreciated) in the fantastic band the Frames, you would think he would be bitter that it would take them this long to achieve success. But Glen has fully embraced it and in some sense those rough years of trying to engage the few strangers who came to see him in dark pub probably shaped him into the man and performer he is today. He knows how to make the audience feel like his best friend. If Glen is this personable and charming to a sea of strangers, imagine what he must be like to his true friends and family? I am rather envious.

Marketa in contrast is a soft and slow burning soul. She is much younger than Glen, but equally talented with her haunting piano, eerie ethereal vocals, and subtle tragic songs. While Glen is cracking jokes constantly and replying to audience quandaries ("I heard you dude, we'll play it later." or as woman up front wanted to hand Glen a message "Oh, you have a sexy note for me? Pass it up, I love sexy notes! Ah, I see, you want me to wish your friend Sara a happy birthday? Well, happy birthday Sara, we will sing to you now."), the few times Marketa does interact with the audience are genuine and special. "I am really having a wonderful time tonight." And then she shared a cute little story about how back home in the Czech Republic her parents rented "Twilight." Marketa had never heard of the vampire sensation at this point and was enraptured with it. She started reading the books and believed she had just discovered her own unique book, then she flew to the US for this tour and saw it everywhere...aww.

Together the two, Marketa with her piano, and Glen with his beat up old guitar (apparently in Japan they tried to give him a new one since his favorite wasn't up to parr haha) create a magical environment aided by the Frames (Glen's first band) with their phenomenal fiddle, guitar, and drums. Their songs are already lovely on the album, but really come to life on stage where you hear and see how the fiddle really enriches the song or Glen's strumming nearly turns into a trance. Plus the band is a fond of improvisation and threw in a beautiful little Willie Nelson song and a fun Van Morrison cover. And as they always do, there a nice tribute to Ireland at the end by the singing of a Clancy Brothers song. It is nice to see Glen hasn't forgotten his roots and is willing to share them with us all.

This is the second time I have seen the Swell Season, both were fantastic, but last night was particularly unique. Previously I had seen them in an old theater, which lends the band a more formal tone. But in a standing room only nightclub, the audience interaction is the real improvement. Glen had us sing along three times. I think he was so surprised that the first song went so well, that he kept inviting us back to hum along. It was clear that we were enjoying the 2 hour set just as much as they were and that is a truly rare and wondrous experience. I left the night feeling rejuvenated and wanting to hug someone, a rare feat, thank you Glen, Marketa, and the Frames.


song of the day: "High Horses" by the Swell Season (they made us sing the end of this song :)

Love's Lost Gaurentee

[STATS: dress: Urban Outfitters cardi: Anthropologie tights: Macy's flats: UO Alice Necklace: Local MN Boutique]

Last night I found myself curled up on the couch eating Cherry Garcia ice cream and watching "When Harry Met Sally." No, my boyfriend did not just breakup with me hence the need for a sugar coma and sap, I would actually need to have a boyfriend in the first place for that! But it was one of those nights when everyone was busy so I resigned myself to the fact that I would have make do with film characters for company.

However as much as I laughed at snarky Harry and uptight Sally, I realized something fundamentally missing from my life, straight men. Yes, I am single, but that's not exactly what I mean. There are no men to even consider dating in my life. No one to ignore passes from, to blatantly reject or on the opposite side of the spectrum to keep my eye on, to pursue. Because what it boils down to is three types of men at my college:

1. "The Brah"- The attractiveness of a girl this boy likes only increases with the number of beers he drinks. Although the difference between the girl and the beer is negligible, both will leave him with a headache and regrets the next morning. After getting up at 2pm the next day, he won't even remember what type of beer he drank or even the hair color of the girl he just slept with. A week later he will be buy another six pack and hit on another six girls.

2. "The Boyfriend"- He and Mary-Beth have been dating since age 16. Highschool sweethearts who coo sickeningly sweet nothings over the phone, refuse to display a profile picture on Facebook that does not include each other, and pop in for surprise weekend visits to the dismay of their newly sexiled roommate. These guys are so overly affectionate you wonder if they are overcompensating due to the presence of many other available girls they cannot hook up with because Mary-Beth is wearing a locket with their photo in it on her neck.

3. "The Gay Best Friend"- Supposedly every girl wants a GBF to discuss dating advice, new trends, and chick flicks with. I personally do not understand the need to specifically pick your friends based on sexuality, if you are friends with me and happen to be gay, whatever, but I will never seek a guy out just for his sexuality and all that culturally entails. There is no need to search for the GBF at my college though for there are more gay men than straight men. Maybe its the fact that college is a time of experimentation or maybe it's the city location, after all a boy questioning his sexuality is more likely to blend in at a big city school than a rural college. But I find my first thought when I meet a boy is "Are you straight?" I find myself searching out for scruffier men than I usually care for or athletes, just to hopefully narrow down the possibility of his sexuality. Exacerbating the problem is that many men can be double agents. My openly gay friend Daniel secretly dated a boy who claimed to be straight in public, but hooked up with him behind closed doors, confusing everyone including Daniel. And out of my three main guy friends, all have ambiguous sexuality...ahh I can't even get a straight male point of view if I tried!

Somehow, despite the lack of options, I see couples on campus! Holding hands after a trip to Trader Joes, eating together at a local restaurant, or kissing in front of their dorms. I don't know any of these people personally, its almost as if they are planted on campus to paranoia me. If there were any single non-sleazy straight men on campus they are all taken now!

My parents claim its my generation's love for hooking up, in & out is not just a burger chain people. My friend Hilly, who also frequently laments the lack of real men on campus, read a book a few years ago on the hook up culture that actually used my college as a casestudy! She failed to put the two together when she received her acceptance letter, but then ironically remembered it after she decided to go here. My friend Sasha is a bit more liberally minded. She's all for hooking up, but does concede that the possibility for that is sparse at my school. She did admit though, the first time she met our friend Justin she actually had to ask him if he was straight due to the extreme ambiguity of my school (for the record he is).

Basically though, there is no chance of meeting my future spouse in college like my parents did. What has happened to our generation? Maybe I can text Cha Cha to find out the answer (HAHA)?

song of the day: "Old Bachelors in Cleavland" by the Foghorns (the guitar in here is really cool)

If You Can't Trust You Can't Be Trusted

[STATS: Blouse: Anthropologie skirt: Anthro tights: H&M flats: Urban Outfitters Alice Necklace: local boutique]

Statements my friends have made recently:

"I'm just going to crash [another college in DC] and see if I meet people there! Because I just realized I don't really like all of my current friends. Last night they smacked me in the face with a pillow, it was rather malicious." -Hilly from the sailing team

"I have only made two real friends here. And I'm worried that if I didn't keep in touch with them they would just forget about me." -my old friend from summer camp, Natalie, who is a freshman at a large state university

"I've been going to all of these random events on campus this week just to avoid my room. I hate being there."- Alex, who lives with 2 of my other guy friends

My Roommate: "Are you going over to Jules's room at 9pm tonight to watch TV?"
Me: "Maybe...why?"
Roomy: "I just really want to watch a movie tonight."

[Okay, we all want alone time and secretly relish those moments when the room is empty for just us to play the music we please and walk around in our underwear for longer than is normal haha, but actually trying to kick me out of the room for that "alone time" is incredibly awkward]

Conclusion:

General dissatisfaction runs rampant at college, but rarely does anyone want to admit it. If we put on a happy face and pretend to everyone that we hug our roommates everyday instead of bicker with them and we never have those moments where we find ourselves seeking out random coffeehouses to loiter instead of sitting all alone in our room, then maybe people will be fooled. And most college students are so self-important and busy that they rarely do detect the charade. The charade apparently works so no one let's their guard down in fear of what it might be like to be vulnerable. I dunno if its the horribly competitive atmosphere of the East Coat/colleges in major cities with intense internships galore that makes us afraid to confide in others, almost as if we are worried that if we say what we honestly feel the confidant will use it against us in the end. Apparently everyone but me thinks this.

In some sense my openness instantly makes me vulnerable. There are very few things that I refuse to share with people (this blog being one of them) because everything I've been through makes me who I am today. The person (me) sitting in front of you is compilation of things you will learn eventually anyway, so why not be upfront? I don't really feel like I have much to hide, if anything discussing things makes me feel better. I think sometimes the frankness throws people off, why am I telling you everything right away? But others let me spew out my thoughts to the point where I fail to realize that this is a one-sided conversation and they are not telling me anything about themselves. It becomes unbalanced, for example, my roomy knows more about me than her. Why did I trust her when she did not trust me? Obviously by now I've given up on her, but she's not the only one who refuses to get close.

As I've mentioned before all of my other friends are equally silent when personal lives come into play. I am starting to leave them behind as well, but as I meet new people from the sailing team and the English department I wonder if I am falling into the same trap as usual? I was very open again with Sasha and Hilly, will they later take advantage of me for it? I hate to be that cynical about friendships, but I've had so many bad experiences previously that now I wonder if I made a mistake being that blunt with two near strangers. But if no one takes the dive and opens up to the other person, will the friendship go anywhere? Is confiding in someone not the last thing you should do in a friendship, but the initial foundation? I'm hoping I can still have faith in humanity and not immediately close myself off to new friends and for once, with Hilly & Sasha, I will not find my honesty abused.

But something just felt so right going to the sailing team dinner last night, discussing "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" over sandwiches. And later on, going to a poetry reading for my job and running into Sasha and Justin. Afterward, Sasha and I headed over to the dive bar on campus and split some cheese sticks. It felt so natural to watch the mozzarella leak out like my thoughts on my current noncommittal friends to Sasha. Her thoughts on them were similar to my friend Katherine from home who goes to school in DC too, "Why hang out with mean friends like that?" I've known Katherine since 6th grade and Sasha for less than a month, but the response was the same. Here, is finally a NICE person, who will listen to me and offer her advice without taking pity on me. Is it so wrong to be open with her or am I falling into the same trap?

song of the day: "When Did the Lights Go Out" by Pixie Carnation (oh I wish I had a car, this would be a great driving song)